by Erica Costa
“I just want to get better”,
I think to myself
As I scream into my sweater
My mind shouts,
“I want to GET BETTER”
I want everything out.
Out of my head,
Out of my sight.
I’m trying really hard to see the light
I just want to get better
But it is not easy
Late at night, I lay awake in my bed
With so much inside my head
I search for sleep
I think deep
I weep
And I am angry
No, furious!!
When will things get better?
I am curious!!
Mornings come and go
But nights don’t seem to flow
Memories replay inside my head
very, very slow
It’s not my fault
It’s not yours either
And so I pray
I pray
I pray for God to lay
Right beside me
Hold me in Your arms
Protect me from any harm
Oh God, push the alarm
I’m in danger
They wonder what has changed her
I’m still ME
I shout
I’m just having a hard time letting it all out
BUT I’M STILL ME
Can’t you see
Under all the dark circles under my eyes
I still read books, I’m so wise
I’m still talking
I’m still laughing
Nothing’s wrong
Do not characterize
I WILL get better.
I don’t want your labels
I’m not a crazy person
I just have bad days
Just like you
I sometimes feel blue
But I will get better
I have to
Distractions are a must as I maneuver through
But nothing seems to be enough
Because no matter what, I feel handcuffed
To my thoughts
I’m just trying to connect all the dots
Where–no, when
When did it all go wrong?
Before or after you said I did not belong
The only time that I am visible is when I am happy
But what happens when I am snappy?
What happens when my happiness declines?
Just think positive: That is the world’s favorite guideline
I’ve become desperate
I want to get BETTER!
Not for you, not for society
But to be in control of my own anxiety
And so I try and try
I recognize all of the elements that make me cry
I search up positive quotes
Write them down on sticky notes
YOU CAN DO IT
YOU BELONG
YOU MATTER
OVERTHINKING SOLVES
nothing...
I buy books
Not just for looks
But to help me organize my thoughts
...ahhh
I can breathe again
But these thoughts are not foreign
Perhaps I shift my frame
The results will not remain the same
I am getting better
Breakdowns do not define me
I will continue to fight to be free
Mental health stability
Is essential
But bad days can be influential
Bad days are not the end
They do not conclude you
Tomorrow is a new day
I promise you will be okay
We are getting better each and every day
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